Whether or not you listen to a race broadcast over the television or the radio, it is the announcers’ job to make every lap interesting. When something particularly exciting happens on the track, a skilled announcer can nearly yell into the microphone about it, but in a professionally focused way. I may screech, “Holy @(*&! Look what he just did to my driver!”, and frighten my cats into their favorite hiding places; but someone such as Mike Joy will loudly but clearly state, “Just two car-lengths from the checkered flag, Driver X has spun out Driver Y and crossed the finish line to take the win. There is not one fan sitting down in the stands, and a lot of them are expressing their displeasure with what they have just seen.” They may mean essentially the same thing, but Mr. Joy says it in a way that won’t frighten any animals, and is acceptable to the NASCAR fans (and the FCC).

On the other hand, if you listen carefully to the likes of Mr. Joy or his equally talented announcer-peers, or the occasional driver who is helping to call a race, you may hear something that, in another context, should be censored. Some statements that border on outrageous are broadcasted across the airwaves nearly every race day, ones that might also be in the script for a blue movie; yet no one seems to notice.

Here are a few statements that were actually made during races over the past few seasons, either by race announcers, pit road announcers, or the drivers. Imagine them as part of a conversation anywhere else but at a racetrack:

“I like it slick. That’s the only way I like it.”

“He’ll just have to hold his own for the next few licks.”

“I could have had a better suck if I would have stayed on the high side.”

“When you are as good as he is, you can find that magic hole almost instinctively.”

“How good was she? Was she good on the long haul?”

“A piece of his skirt is flapping in the wind. When you are in the middle of a pack of all of those boys with your skirt flapping like that it can be dangerous.”

Read more Just in time for Valentine’s Day, some hot NASCAR love talk ...

Until the Craftsman Truck Series starts up again for the coming season, we usually have our television set to watch episodes of ‘Monk’ on Friday evenings. For those of you unfamiliar with this character, he is yet another quirky detective; but what sets him apart from the rest is his severe case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Adrian Monk makes Felix Unger look like the sloppy half of ‘The Odd Couple’.

As a family who actually has members with this disorder, there is the chance we would be offended by this characterization (as we have been of other characters that make fun of the disabilities that touch our lives). While Monk’s obsessions are played for laughs, the underlying feeling you have for him is not disdain, but compassion. He is clearly played as a very intelligent, likeable man who struggles with the disorder that he carries, one that affects his life in a myriad of ways. A continuing storyline is his inability to accept the death of his beloved wife, Trudy. The show does a very successful job of showing how someone who is genetically-wired to be obsessive even about the most mundane things can be nearly incapacitated by the devastating thoughts that follow the death of a loved one. We find that the actor who plays Monk, Tony Shalhoub, and the writers of the show, have done a wonderful job of showcasing the humor and the pathos of being afflicted with a tough disorder to live with; and the reactions of those who live and work with an afflicted person.

As the minds of NASCAR fans do during the dreaded off-season, ours has wondered about any old thing that might have to do with racing. After watching another episode this past Friday evening we got to imagining how Mr. Monk might do if he had a case that took him to the Daytona 500. How would the impeccably-dressed germaphobic handle the noise, sights, and smells?

We believe Mr. Monk could never handle the crush of race-day traffic, and we also had to reject the idea that he would be flown in by helicopter to solve any case (neither form of transportation would be tolerated by our favorite detective). We also worry he would be too intimidated by the tunnel to the track to enter it, so he would need to be let in another way. Therefore, the crime that would occur requiring his presence could not be on a race day; and the crime scene could not be in an area that is only accessed by tunnels, or at a high elevation like a spotters’ roof.

If the crime scene were on the track following a race, we imagine he would beg for a broom to sweep up the leftover black marbles and hot dog wrappers, and somberly point out to the track’s caretakers where the tiniest imperfections in the white-painted walls are located. If the crime scene were in the stands following a race, we can only imagine his horror at the site of empty cans, dirty napkins, and spilled food. And imagine his reaction if the victim’s body were located on the Daytona 500 logo painted in the grass, especially if a driver had joyfully done donuts through it before going to Victory Lane?

Speaking of Victory Lane, let’s hope that any corpses that are discovered there do so before a winning celebration. We can only imagine Mr. Monk’s feelings about puddles of Gatorade, cola, beer, and/or sticky Champagne littered with the fallout from lots of blown confetti.

Examining the crime scene if it occurred in the pit area would be nearly impossible for our meticulous detective, with all of those stains on the concrete and the heavy scent of fuel.

Read more If ‘Monk’ went to the Daytona 500 ...

If you have been a NASCAR fan for any period of time, you know that there are claims that nearly half of the fan base is female. Experts out there say the number continues to grow, so the assumption could be made that one day there will be more women than men following NASCAR. As I have never heard of a sport where the fans are mostly female, this really piques my interest.

Think of this scenario, if you will: Hillary Clinton has won the ’08 election, and is striving hard to lead a country, while working on her public relations. To temper the perception that she is too upper-class to relate to the stereotypical racing fans in the country, she and the First Man attend the 2010 Daytona 500. She is photographed with Mike Helton and Brian France, and only later is it realized there is a female fan in the background holding up a sign that says, “Hillary! Teach Mike and Brian how to runs things!”

Read more How will men handle it when female fans outnumber them in NASCAR? ...

On Wednesday’s ‘Sirius Speedway’ show, channel 128 on Sirius, the show’s host, Dave Moody, had John Daly of DalyPlanet.blogspot.com, as one of his guests.

They were discussing the unhappiness of some NASCAR fans with the race broadcasts, including such issues as when the network should break for a commercial, or when to come back. Moody, nicknamed ‘The Godfather of Motorsports’, made the comment that he knows that every race broadcast is scrutinized, and he would probably not even like his own radio show examined so thoroughly.

We have a rebellious nature here at cawsnjaws.com, and could not let such a temptation pass by. However, dear readers, do not let Dave know about this. He said he wasn’t sure he could handle the results. We don’t see anything that should cause him any distress, but there is no sense pushing it.

The following is broken down in a similar way as all of the Cup races.

Commercial breakdown and links related to Sirius Speedway Talk Show of 09/13/07

For those of you NASCAR fans that like stats and love to hate commercials, here is the breakdown from Dave Moody’s talk show on Thursday afternoon.

I began recording the times at the beginning of the show at 3:00 PM, and stopped when Moody said goodnight at 6:57 PM (all times are EST).

Total number of commercials: 96

Total number of companies or entities advertised: 44

Total number of brief promos of products/services during the race broadcast: 19

Total number of companies or entities advertised in brief promos or crawlers: 3 (companies: NAPA, Sirius NASCAR Radio, RacingOne.com)

Total amount of time these brief promos take during broadcast: app. 90 sec.

Read more Commercial breakdown and links related to the Sirius Speedway show (don’t tell Dave Moody) ...

_If you tuned in to our site to read this week’s commercial breakdown of the Cup race, you will not immediately find it because CAW and JAW went to the Watkins Glen races (we will have the breakdown for you later in the week, upon our return). _

_To avoid your clicking away disappointed, we made up a list of some things we did (and what we bet other NASCAR fans did) in the post-race traffic leaving Watkins Glen International Speedway. _

1. Thanked God that He made the sun shine so bright for Saturday and Sunday, and how He held off the rain till the races were over.

2. Applied more skin-soothing lotion to that furious sunburn as a result of all that shining sun.

3. Marveled at the miles and miles of farmland in a state many people only associate with the concreted blocks of New York City.

4. Thirsted for the wines that will be produced from all those vineyards.

5. Wondered how old some of the grave markers are in those old country graveyards.

6. Tried to ignore the F-bombs some of the fans are sharing with one another resulting from perceived ‘driving disabilities’.

7. Thought that despite these occasional obscenities-sharing moments, the thousands of NASCAR fans driving side-by-side three-wide on a two-lane highway did pretty well for being wired and tired from the racing weekend.

8. Blew raspberries at the Watkins Glen natives living along the race route that were outside sipping beverages and leisurely looking at the three-wide bumper-to-bumper crawling-along-at-low speeds NASCAR fans that still had hundreds of miles to drive home.

9. Thought ‘how enterprising’ when a nice-looking lad along the race route was seen selling bundles of wood, with a sign alongside indicating that proceeds will be used for his college fund.

10. Tried to guess how many campfires had burned Saturday night in the forests near Watkins Glen, and how many racing debates had been bandied about while the fires crackled.

Read more Two dozen things we did (and bet were done) in ‘leaving-the-Glen’ traffic ...

In the days of Roman gladiators, they had a following of fans as fervent as NASCAR fans today, perhaps even more so.

These brawny athletes would disrobe completely, douse themselves in olive oil, and then head out to defeat their competitors. Following their events, they would scrape the mixture of oil, sweat, and dirt from their bodies into a container. This mixture was then sold for fans’ consumption, presumably for the purpose of ingesting a heroic mental attitude, or a body that the Roman gods approved of.

I admit that I am a fervent NASCAR fan, and I show that allegiance in a myriad of ways. I have purchased some odd memorabilia that caught my fancy (i.e. a clock that revs a horrible sounding engine every hour that is so irritating that I disabled that feature the first day); a Chevy primarily because that’s what my favorite driver drives; and if I totaled up what I have spent on NASCAR trading cards it would probably scare me. But if my driver were to begin marketing his perspiration for sale, I would draw the line and decline. Would I buy his sweaty firesuit? Yes. Just the sweat without the fabric to go with it? No thanks. (Perhaps I am not a fan of the magnitude that I think I am.)

Read more Sweaty, nude drivers polished with olive oil? ...

Here is a welcoming paragraph every NASCAR fan ought to pay attention to:

Welcome to NASCARcar.com! NASCARcar.COM is the premier destination for the NASCAR fan. Providing up-to-the-minute coverage on a 24-hour basis, NASCARcar.COM delivers news, statistics and information on races, drivers, teams and industry events. Whether you’re new to the sport, or have been a NASCAR fan since they raced on the beach at Daytona, NASCARcar.COM brings you closer to the sport. And if you’re looking for a thorough commercial breakdown for every Cup race, head to www.cawsnjaws.com.

Having written the above however, journalistic integrity forces me to admit that most of that is a lie. And anyone who is an astute NASCAR fan and is internet savvy knew it the moment they read the headline.

The only truth in the above is that you can, and are certainly most welcome to, come to www.cawsnjaws.com every week that there is a Cup race to catch a thorough breakdown of the commercials (a hot topic with NASCAR fans if there ever was one).

Read more I am compelled to announce that NASCARcar.com is the premier destination for all of your NASCAR news! ...

1.Stay away from most racing message boards, so that my eyebrows and eyelashes don’t get singed from reading posts that very colorfully say, ‘Aw come ON…!’

2.Feel great empathy for all of the chiropractors out there who will be working on all of those necks that snap sideways, when their owners turn to yell at their companions, ‘Aw come ON…!’

3.Feel great empathy for all of the No. 48 team fans with sore throats that have gone hoarse exclaiming, ‘Aw come ON…! How can you fix a race with 43 cars in it?’

4.Make a suggestion to Home Depot executives that they ought to begin an advertising campaign that says, ‘Aw come ON…! Come on in where nothing is fixed except our desire to help you with your home improvement needs’

5.Make a suggestion to Lowe’s Home Improvement executives that they begin an advertising campaign that says, ‘Aw come ON…! Even sore losers can find their best deals at Lowe’s’

Read more Aw come on! Ten things I'll be sure to do if Jimmie Johnson wins at Lowe's ...

Read more Is Jayski the Godfather of racing columnists everywhere? ...

Read more Great comebacks to your non-NASCAR friends ...