Whether or not you listen to a race broadcast over the television or the radio, it is the announcers’ job to make every lap interesting. When something particularly exciting happens on the track, a skilled announcer can nearly yell into the microphone about it, but in a professionally focused way. I may screech, “Holy @(*&! Look what he just did to my driver!”, and frighten my cats into their favorite hiding places; but someone such as Mike Joy will loudly but clearly state, “Just two car-lengths from the checkered flag, Driver X has spun out Driver Y and crossed the finish line to take the win. There is not one fan sitting down in the stands, and a lot of them are expressing their displeasure with what they have just seen.” They may mean essentially the same thing, but Mr. Joy says it in a way that won’t frighten any animals, and is acceptable to the NASCAR fans (and the FCC).

On the other hand, if you listen carefully to the likes of Mr. Joy or his equally talented announcer-peers, or the occasional driver who is helping to call a race, you may hear something that, in another context, should be censored. Some statements that border on outrageous are broadcasted across the airwaves nearly every race day, ones that might also be in the script for a blue movie; yet no one seems to notice.

Here are a few statements that were actually made during races over the past few seasons, either by race announcers, pit road announcers, or the drivers. Imagine them as part of a conversation anywhere else but at a racetrack:

“I like it slick. That’s the only way I like it.”

“He’ll just have to hold his own for the next few licks.”

“I could have had a better suck if I would have stayed on the high side.”

“When you are as good as he is, you can find that magic hole almost instinctively.”

“How good was she? Was she good on the long haul?”

“A piece of his skirt is flapping in the wind. When you are in the middle of a pack of all of those boys with your skirt flapping like that it can be dangerous.”

“When he’s by himself, and he’s up… If he’s up he may lose control. I see it happen all the time.”

“I tried getting it in there, over and over. I just didn’t have the power I needed to move the others out of the way to put it where I wanted it.”

“She rode under me like she wanted it as bad as I did.”

“I put it up in there. I rode it as hard as I could. I can hardly catch my breath, but it feels so good.”

“His rear end is too high. He can’t keep it up in there like that.”

“When he gets in there, he is ready to go. If she’s been prepared the way she should be, she will take him all the way.”

“Did you see him enter that corner? Everybody else will slide it in sideways, but he hugs it down tight and drives it right in.”

“Look at his hands! Look at his hands! He’s jerking and jerking! That boy is working it; really working it. Anybody who says you aren’t an athlete when you’re jerking and jerking like that for four or five hours doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

“You can’t have his front end in your rear end and just keep pushing. I guess it’s just one of them deals, but I think he was just driving it too hard.”

Now, will you ever listen to those announcers the same way again?