Next Sunday evening, millions of people will tune their televisions to ABC to watch the 78th Annual Academy Awards. When I was in my late-teens and early-twenties I enjoyed watching this sort of Hollywood spectacle, but I think it had more to do with being able to afford going to see the movies up for awards than anything else. Because the cost to see movies have gone up so dramatically, and the quality of what is offered has steeply declined, I have fallen out-of-the-loop as far as what has been nominated and who the actors and actresses are that star in them.

As I still think the premise is a lot of fun (rewarding people for terrific performances) I believe I could apply it to the sport that I love so much, NASCAR racing.

We can even skip over the schmaltzy opening act and the boring oratory about how nominees were chosen and judged since this is all made up anyway; and we will not have to sit through acceptance speeches that would be nothing more than our favorite drivers listing off and thanking their endless sponsors (ala The NASCAR Banquet awards every December). What is more, you can add your own awards at the end. As they say in show biz, 'Let's get this show on the road...'

'Most Cheered for on Sunday then Criticized on Monday Moment in NASCAR'
And the winner is: Tony Stewart's spin of Jeff Gordon on pit road in Bristol in March of 2001.

I have never witnessed so many fans applauding and screaming till veins broke in their foreheads in appreciation, only to turn around the next day and 'tsk tsk' the action and proclaim it very dangerous.

'The Oddest Event Still Hotly Debated'
And the winner is: Sterling Marlin's on-track fender-pulling incident at Daytona in 2002

Just bring this subject up in any gathering of NASCAR fans and half of them will say Marlin was crazy and the other half will say he had a clear and sane motive for what he did.

'Worst Use of Props'
And the winner is: NASCAR's decision to use a baby gate to keep drivers from jumping on their cars' roofs in 2001

One of the most moronic and patronizing ideas NASCAR ever had.

'Most Cunning Performance by a Crew Chief'
And the winner is: Frank Stoddard's last-lap pit road strategy for the No. 99 Exide Ford during the Winston All-Star Race in 2002

Having Jeff Burton make his mandatory pit stop during the last lap of the first segment of the race was so sly NASCAR had to come up with a new rule to make sure it would never happen again.

'Most Dramatic Acceptance Speech Following a Victory'
And the winner is: Ricky Craven's post-race interview following his win at The Old Dominion 500 at Martinsville in 2001

Even if you were not a fan of Craven's, you had to feel his joy as he talked about his win.

'Best Almost-Fisticuffs'
And the winner is: Tony Stewart and Robby Gordon rumbling with each other after a practice for the 2002 qualifying race for the Daytona 500

While Kevin Harvick's separate altercations with Greg Biffle and Ricky Rudd make honorable mentions, the mere memory of Stewart's grimace on the day he was approached by Gordon in the garage, and the ensuing shoves that followed, makes my mind curl into a fetal position. Tony can scare me to death with one serious sneer.

'Outstanding Act of Generosity'
And the winner is: Ward Burton for funding cleft palate surgery for a young boy in 2002

The possible nominees in this category were endless as our drivers are consistently compassionate and give to others in need so willingly. This particular story, however, captured the hearts of fans everywhere.

'Best 'nyah nyah we toldja so' by NASCAR'
And the winner is: The institution of 'The Chase For the Championship' in 2005

When this concept was first announced, many NASCAR fans everywhere went absolutely haywire. While some still insist this is the beginning of the end of NASCAR, many fans have come to appreciate the drama.

'Most Supernaturally Intriguing'
And the winner is: The events following Dale Earnhardt's death

These included: Steve Park's win in a DEI car, the fact that in the next three races the third lap was run under caution, and that Kevin Harvick won in his third race as the replacement driver for Earnhardt.

'Best Titillation of the Female Fans'
And the winner is: Carl Edwards' recent cover on ESPN magazine

If you are a woman and have not yet seen the photo that graces this magazine, then you are depriving yourself of a serious rush of hormones. 'nuff said.

Do you have any NOSCARS you would like to award? Please share them with the readers at cawsnjaws.com by posting them following this article.